Sunday, December 18, 2005

A rant. More of a selfish rant than anything.

So yeah.

I just wish I knew more people who really acted like they care more often. And I wish I got to talk to the few who really do act like they care more often. I really do question whether or not they truly care though, I question a lot of things when I get into these moods.

I just want to feel like I belong for once. To not feel horribly out of place. And to not feel like I'm in a place where I can never be accepted for who I really am, but only for who I pretend to be...

I want to feel like people could really care if they knew all about me. Although it just seems so unreasonably impossible. All logic says they couldn't, they wouldn't.. And yet I still want to believe that they can.

I want to believe that people would still care if they knew everything about me, the good and the bad. The latter of which always seems to be dominant =/

Sometimes I really don't like myself, even when I know better. I get mad for every mistake I make. From a badly timed call, to doing something that tells someone that I've betrayed them, and their trust. I hate my mistakes, and I know I can be better. I know that I can go beyond that. And I know that I am not being the best I can be, and I hate it. If I have to be me and feel out of place, I might as well be as good of a me as I can be. But I can't even do that..

It always feels like I do everything wrong, and nothing right. And I really know I'm above these stupid fits of self-pity. I really hate it. And there are time I just want to say that I hate myself.

And I hate trying to be the perfect kid that so many people see me as. I just want to say "Get over it! I'm just as bad as anyone else, and probably worse than some!". I hate trying to look so perfect, trying to overacheive to be what people see me as. Trying to just be able to keep the few "friends" that I have.

Life can be really nasty sometimes. And I really don't like it when it's like that. Although like the rest of us, I go on, and wait for the better times ahead.

And yeah, that's the emotional side of me that I usually try to keep completely compressed and crushed to the point where it has little or no effect..


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